4 Ways to Build Intimacy Minus Sex
“We rush into situations and we think that sex is the only way to build a connection. Sex does not build love. Don't get me wrong, sex is great, but it's not a “real love maker." A lot of women feel that if they can give a man good sex that she'll get his 'good love in return.' No queen, that's not how love works. You're not going to get what you want by simply laying down and playing house with someone. Partnership is bred from communication, understanding, commitment, honesty, friendship, and trust. Those things build true love." – Alex Elle
For a very long time, I thought the only way to attain intimacy in my relationship with my partner was to be intimate in the physical sense of the word. Intimacy is a word that has a few definitions, and although sexual intercourse can be one of them, the closeness and familiarity it alludes to is not limited to bedroom acts.
I love sex, but once writer and author Alex Elle took me to church and brought that point about intimacy home for me, I became a different woman when it came to being intimate with my partners. The girl who for so long felt like physicality was the only way to show my love had to grow into a woman who understood there's more to this thing than doo wop that thing.
But how does one establish and build intimacy when sex was all they knew?
Here are some simple yet effective ways to express love in your relationships without being physical:
Take a Long Walk
Sometimes, life hits you at full force and communication and quality time with your partner can easily become one of those things that see the backburner more often than not. A walk is a perfect cost-effective way to experience something together, catching up on one another's days, and enjoying the scenery along the way. It can be a perfect once a week check-in for couples on the go. Take things a step further by unplugging from your phones and social media throughout the duration of the walk. Challenge yourselves to be fully in the moment with your partner and see how connected you feel.
Kiss the Cook
Turn a chore or a mundane weeknight routine into an opportunity to spend time together one on one. Go through all of the steps of choosing a meal you'd like to share together, shopping for ingredients for the recipe, and then finally getting into the kitchen, taking turns with who tackles which component over a glass of wine. Cooking together is one of my favorite ways to connect and is incredibly underrated. When you take the time to bond like that, closeness is sure to follow.
It Takes Two to Make the Thing Go Right
Closeness builds intimacy and shared experiences help to further strengthen that. The hobby that you and your partner choose can be as simple as binge-watching a new favorite show together on Netflix or a little more complex and adventurous like ziplining, traveling, or taking a class in attempt to learn something new together. At least once a week, you and bae can partake in some bonding time together, sharing an experience mutual and exclusive to the two of you.
We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off
I think by far one of my favorite ways to build intimacy with my partner is in the bedroom and no, that doesn't necessarily mean sex. We lay in bed together, sometimes making our way to a cuddle position, but other times, indulging in silence as we sleep or look into each other's eyes and talk. Showing one another our current favorite songs is also on the agenda. It's beautiful to me because it's effortless. We just care about one another's presence in those moments. So laying together and forgetting the world can be yet another simple way to reinforce relationship intimacy.
What are some of your favorite ways to build intimacy with your love?
Featured image by Getty Images
- 11 Non-Sexual Ways To Increase The Intimacy In Your Relationship ... ›
- 11 Ways To Be Intimate Without Having Sex | Essence.com ›
- Intimacy Without Intercourse | HealthyWomen ›
- 7 Ways to Show Intimacy Without Having Sex | Her Campus ›
- Sex Without Intimacy/Intimacy Without Sex | Psychology Today ›
- Increasing Intimacy in Relationships Without Sex | CBN.com ›
- Sex Without Intimacy: No Dating, No Relationships : NPR ›
- Intimacy without Sex : asexuality ›
- I want to be intimate, but not have sex. Is this possible? - Sex, Etc. ›
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Have You Heard Of The 4B Movement? Here's Why It Matters.
Depending on what side of TikTok you’re on, you’ve been seeing an uptick in content about the 4B Movement. In response to South Korea having the world’s lowest birth rate, TikTok user @denimchromosome gave a brief synopsis of the movement on February 16. “Korean women are so done with Korean men that they’re literally just deciding to die out," she said in her post.
While the video is only 30 seconds, this user broke the movement down to its essence and sparked a broader conversation for people to fully dive into knowledge about the movement and why some Korean women have decided to fully commit to this push for gender equality and social justice.
What Is the 4B Movement?
The 4B Movement gained notoriety and prevalence in 2019 when a collective of Korean feminists decided they would no longer marry men (비혼 bihon), have children (비출산 bichulsan), date men (비연애 biyeonae), or have sex with men (비섹스 bisekseu). The name of the movement came from all four agreements, starting with the letter B in Korean. The women who have chosen to participate in this movement are doing so as a result of the blatant misogyny that exists in their society.
They are challenging the cultural norms of their country by removing themselves from the dating scene, ignoring the beauty standards and consumerism propagated toward women, and calling out the pay disparity in the Korean job market.
Go Min Hee, a political professor at Ewha Women's University in Seoul, told NPR, "Gender gap in education has disappeared with the declining number of children and growing attention to education.” As of 2003, women’s college enrollment rates in the region have surpassed men’s.
“But the income gap in the post-education labor market hasn't closed," she continued. South Korea has the largest gender pay gap in the developed world, as of 2022, women still made 31% less than their male counterparts.
In the same report, Jeong Han-Wool, head of the Research Institute of Korean People, shared “For a long time, patriarchal norms governed South Korean society. But those social norms dissolved with democratization, and I don't think we have established new norms that can fill the vacuum.”
Han-Wool said the 4B movement was ignited by the Me Too movement here in the U.S., which he said sparked a new wave of young feminists in South Korea.
While others don’t connect it directly to the movement, they doacknowledge that 4B emerged after multiple incidents of high-profile murders of Korean women, a rampant culture of revenge porn, and spy cam sex crimes were at an all-time high.
Additionally, there is blatant discrimination against women in the workplace; married women are often subjected to gender-based violence, and women are expected to take on the majority of household and child-rearing responsibilities.
Tackling Gender-Based Bias
Digital creator Ryan Carriger said, “Through amplifying the voices and the experiences of the movement, it can illuminate the far-reaching nature of gender-based bias and challenge the social structures that reinforce inequality.”
However, some, such as Anna Lee, have said that the Western media is sensationalizing this movement in South Korea. Despite the fact that reports from the country’s Ministry of Education support the quickly diminishing juvenile population, which many argue is a direct result of feminism. As of February 2024, 157 elementary schools throughout the country will have zero first graders. The lowest reported since the ministry began keeping records in 1970.
Likewise, because of the uptick in feminist voices, young men have shared their feelings of “reverse discrimination” and want the government to get rid of the Gender Equality Ministry in large part because it’s making the job market even more competitive.
Yet, this government entity focuses on more than career equity. One of its main purposes is to protect Korean women who are victims of gender-based crimes such as sexual assault and rape. Opponents of the government’s desire to dismantle this ministry believe it is a dangerous idea and will only lead to more harm toward women in the future.
As the online dialogue continues to build around the 4B Movement, many women from across the world are standing in solidarity with the women of South Korea. Some American women online are sharing a similar sentiment that they’ve already committed to the agreements of the 4B Movement in their personal lives without knowing it was associated with any deliberate social activism.
@wtfaleisa Replying to @user9720585462941 ♬ original sound - wtfaleisa
Decentering Men and Toxic Patriarchy
As many women’s studies scholars have found throughout history, to truly gain gender equality, you have to destabilize patriarchal systems and institutions. Activist, feminist, and author bell hooks once wrote, "Feminism is a movement to end sexism, sexist exploitation, and oppression. Decentering men is a central aspect of this movement." Judith Butler, a gender studies scholar, has further added that decentering men "does not mean erasing men or their experiences, but rather acknowledging that our social and political structures have been built around a narrow understanding of masculinity."
Yet, in true social media form, some of the discussions that are emerging online are demonizing, shaming, and insulting women who are choosing to distance themselves from men, that are collectively harmful to their overall well-being. Proponents of the movement are providing counterarguments to these videos.
Some people can’t seem to wrap their heads around the fact that there are women who would rather be single, have full autonomy over their bodies, and build a life that they want for themselves. Many naysayers of the 4B Movement are calling these actions misandry.
Carrieger disagrees with the notion that the movement is discriminatory against men and says, “Just as Black individuals have long fought against systemic racism and oppression, women have faced their own battles against gender-based discrimination and inequality.” He continues, “The 4B movement's call to challenge traditional gender roles and advocate for the empowerment of women reflects the struggle for equality that resonates within the Black community.”
Finding Common Ground for Social Justice
Historically, any oppressed group looking to gain equal citizenship in a society is always met with pushback, violence, shame, and blame. We saw it with America's civil rights and women's suffrage movements. We saw it with the anti-apartheid movement in South Africa and, most recently, with the women’s movement in Iran. This conversation could continue for hours upon hours, and the debates on whether women hate men could rage on for millennia.
The one piece of the conversation that some people are failing to address is that women, not only in Korea but globally, have decided they’d rather be single, child-free, and at peace than have to be subjected to constant trauma, discrimination, and abuse.
It goes without saying that not all men fall in line with patriarchal beliefs or disagree that there are toxic men in the world. However, this conversation is about a collective experience women around the globe share when it comes to their roles in a misogynistic world.
Even women who are in loving relationships and happy to be mothers have shared their understanding of why women would not want to have anything to do with men. Women standing up for themselves and not wanting to feel like second-class citizens isn’t an attack on men, but a call for them to be held accountable for their behavior, both past and present.
And for men to acknowledge that women play just as important a part in society as they do.
I’ll leave you with this quote from activist and scholar Angela Davis: "Decentering men is not about diminishing men or their contributions, but about recognizing that true liberation requires challenging all forms of oppression, including patriarchy."
This quote fully embodies the essence of the 4B Movement and similar movements that aim to decentralize men in our global society.
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Featured image by Delmaine Donson/Getty Images