How to Date Your Ex Again: Rekindle the Fire and Avoid Heartbreak

Co-authored by Amy Chan and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: February 19, 2024 References

Dating your ex again can be a risk. If you go about it in an emotionally healthy way, you may be able to rekindle your relationship and make it stronger than ever. Focusing on how you’ve grown and what you can both to do become better partners can make your new relationship flourish as you try again. By keeping a level head and communicating clearly, you can start dating your ex again in a healthy, stable way.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Getting Back Together

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1
Focus on your own life first. Breakups are tough, and dealing with emotional pain is never easy. Try to work on yourself by eating well, exercising regularly, and working on your own personal goals.^{[1]
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Amy Chan
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Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.} If your ex sees you as a more well-rounded person, they’ll probably be more open to dating you—and this could even attract them to you again as they see what they’re missing.^{[2]
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- Approaching your ex when you aren’t doing well might lead to them pitying you, and no one wants that.
2
Attract your ex by staying aloof. If you text your ex constantly or send them messages on social media, they might feel overwhelmed. Stay focused on your own life and try to work on your goals until you feel confident enough to reach out again.^{[3]
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- Showing your ex that you’re doing fine without them can make them even more attracted to you.
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3
Reach out when you feel ready. If it’s only been a few days since your breakup, it’s probably too soon. Try texting or calling your ex when you feel like you can handle a rejection, not when the breakup is still fresh.^{[4]
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- This can be a little tough since there’s no set timeline for when you might feel “ready.” If you just feel lonely or in need of a relationship, you should probably wait a little longer.
- You can start the conversation by saying something like, “Hey, could we meet up? I wanted to talk about maybe dating again, if you’re interested.”
4
Express your feelings and the reasons why you want to date again. Most people treat breakups like the absolute end of a relationship, so your ex probably isn’t expecting this. Sit down with your ex and try to list the reasons why you think your relationship could work this time, and be prepared to answer any questions they might have.^{[5]
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- You could try saying, “I know our relationship was rocky in the past. I’ve really been working on fixing my bad habits, and I think we could really make it work this time.”
- Your ex may also say no or be hesitant about trying your relationship again, which is valid. Listen to their concerns and try to work it out together.
- Reader Poll: We asked 338 wikiHow readers to tell us the best way to handle a relationship with an ex that's changing, and 67% agreed that honest, open communication are key to finding a healthy, happy dynamic between you. [Take Poll]
5
Talk about relationships you had while you were apart. If you dated someone after you two split up, let your ex know. If they dated someone for a while too, ask about it. You don’t have to get into specifics, but you should both know about any other relationships that happened when you weren’t together.^{[6]
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- It can be tough to hear about what your ex did when you weren’t together, but it’s better to find out now than be blindsided later on.
- If your ex is upset that you dated someone else, try to address their fears or concerns before jumping into your relationship to avoid problems down the road.
6
Agree to work on your old problems. When you’ve already been together, you both know about the issues that could arise in the future. As you two talk about your new relationship, be sure to address the problems that happened in the past and what you can both do to avoid them in the future. Try to stay away from the blame game, and instead focus on actionable steps that you can both take.^{[7]
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- For example, if you fought a lot about money, agree to be more open with your finances to avoid any surprises.
- Or, if you weren’t on the same page about marriage, talk about your life plans and where you see yourself in 5 years.
- Or, if either of you had trust issues, talk about being honest with each other no matter what.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Building a Strong Relationship

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Take your relationship slow. No matter what stage of your relationship you were in earlier, your new relationship is just that: a new one. If you were living with your partner, engaged, or even married, just treat your relationship like you’re dating again for the first time.
- Taking things slow can also help you both correct any negative behaviors that led to your breakup.
- If you were living together, consider living separately for a while, even after you’ve gotten back together.
2
Create new memories instead of reliving old ones. If you were with your ex for a while, it might be easy to fall into the same patterns that you were used to. Try do new and exciting things together to keep the relationship fresh and rekindle your romance.^{[8]
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- For example, you could have a weekly date night to visit a new restaurant you’ve never been to.
- Or, you could plan a weekend getaway to a town you’ve never visited before.
3
Work on changing your old behaviors. If you find yourself falling back into the patterns that caused issues in the first place, recognize them and work to correct them. You know now what could lead to a breakup, so try to avoid that at all costs.^{[9]
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- It’s one thing to say you’ll be better with your money, but it’s another thing to actually stick to your budget every month and avoid overspending.
- You can also ask your partner to check in with you about your bad habits. If they notice anything worrying, they can let you know before it becomes a problem.
4
Communicate calmly and respectfully. If your partner is doing something that you have a problem with, sit them down and talk to them about it. You can also ask them to do the same thing for you. Try to talk about problems as soon as they come up, and do it without yelling or blaming each other.^{[10]
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- Good communication is one of the biggest indicators that a relationship will work. When your communication breaks down, that’s when the problems really start.
- For example, you could say, “I noticed that you’re staying out late again without calling me, and that’s made me upset in the past. Could we talk about this before it turns into a huge issue?”
- If you’re having trouble communicating, consider seeing a couple’s counselor.
5
Avoid talking about your breakup too much. It was probably painful for both of you, and you don’t need to remind your partner about it every day (or every time you get in a fight). Focus on enjoying the now, not living in the past with your bad memories.
- When you agree to rekindle your relationship, make sure you’re over the issues that caused your breakup. If you aren’t over them or you haven’t made your peace with them, you’ll probably bring them up to hurt your partner in the future.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Weighing the Pros and Cons

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1
Ask yourself why you’d like to date your ex again. Is it because you’re lonely? Or do you really miss your ex for who they were? If you think that you’re just pursuing your ex again because you don’t want to be single anymore, you should take some time to work on yourself.^{[11]
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Amy Chan
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Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.}^{[12]
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- Getting into a relationship just to be in a relationship usually doesn’t end well, especially with someone you’ve dated before.
2
Analyze the reasons you broke up in the first place. If you still aren’t over it or you haven’t fully processed it, you should probably hold off. Really think about the problems in your relationship and what caused your split before you start talking to your ex again.^{[13]
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- For example, if your ex cheated on you, you might have to consider whether or not you’re willing to forgive them before you get back together.
- Or, if you just grew apart, you might want to think about how you could reconnect and rekindle your relationship in the future.
3
Think about the bad times as well as the good times. When you look back on your relationship, it’s easy to just think about the times when you two were really happy. However, before you decide to pursue the relationship again, think about the times when you were sad, angry, or frustrated. Are you willing to risk going through that again, or is it too much to handle?^{[14]
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- If you’re having trouble remembering the tough times (these tend to fade with time), consider asking your friends about it. Chances are, they’ll remember when you talked about your frustrations in the relationship.
4
Stay away from your ex if your relationship was toxic. Toxic relationships can be easy to miss when you’re in them. Think about how often you and your ex fought and how good you were at communicating your problems. If you brought out the bad in each other, it might be better to move on.^{[15]
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- Again, you can talk to your friends and family about this, too. They’ve probably recognized some bad patterns in your relationship, even if you haven’t.

Should I Get Back With My Ex?

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Question

Should I start dating my ex again?

Amy Chan
Relationship Coach
Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach based in New York, New York. She is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. She has over 12 years of experience helping clients work on their relationships with strategies rooted in the psychology and science of relationships and personal development. Her team of psychologists and coaches at Renew Breakup Bootcamp has helped hundreds of individuals in just 7 years of operation, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. Her book based on her work, Breakup Bootcamp, was published in 2020 and was featured by the New York Times.

Amy Chan

Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

Not necessarily. It's normal to miss your ex after a breakup—your brain is still looking for the comfort that you used to get in the relationship. However, that doesn't necessarily mean it's a good idea to get back together.

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Question

Why do I want to get back with my ex?

Amy Chan
Relationship Coach
Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach based in New York, New York. She is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. She has over 12 years of experience helping clients work on their relationships with strategies rooted in the psychology and science of relationships and personal development. Her team of psychologists and coaches at Renew Breakup Bootcamp has helped hundreds of individuals in just 7 years of operation, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. Her book based on her work, Breakup Bootcamp, was published in 2020 and was featured by the New York Times.

Amy Chan

Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

Feeling sad and missing your ex after a breakup is natural. When you first get together, you experience a big flood of chemicals that make you feel exhilarated and close to your partner. During a breakup, your brain experiences those same chemical reactions, but in reverse.

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Tips

If you’re having trouble talking to each other, consider seeing a couple’s counselor to get a third-party perspective.

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Your ex might not want to date you again, and that’s okay. Try to focus on yourself and move on when you feel ready.

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