How to Stop Repeating Mistakes and Improve Your Behavior

Kill old habits and learn from mistakes with this expert advice

Written by Jennifer Butler, MSW | Edited by Aly Rusciano

Last Updated: March 9, 2024 Fact Checked

Sometimes, we feel like we’re doomed to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again, but what's really holding us back are voices of fear and regret. It’s completely normal to make a mistake once or twice—you’re only human! But decision-making isn’t always easy, and it can send you down a regretful spiral, especially if you have low self-esteem, depression, or anxiety. We'll show you the best ways to break the mistake cycle and feel more confident in yourself, and it all starts with accepting your failures and learning from them.

This article is based on an interview with our love and transformation coach, Jennifer Butler, MSW, owner of JennJoyCoaching. Check out the full interview here.

How to Avoid Making the Same Mistakes

Admit your failures to yourself and others to help break the cycle of bad habits and mistakes.
Boost your self-esteem by reminding yourself of your successes and remembering that perfection doesn't really exist.
Set realistic goals for yourself and break them down into achievable, concrete steps to improve your confidence even when you fail.

1

Acknowledge your mistakes.

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A healthy recognition of failure helps you grow. It can be hard to admit failure, but if you run from it, you may lose the chance to learn from it. Admit the mistake to yourself or the person it affected so you can re-examine how it happened and do better next time. Start by taking a deep breath and saying, “I made a mistake.”^{[1]
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Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices

Go to source} While facing your mistakes may be nerve-racking, know that it’s completely normal!^{[2]
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- Keep in mind that every person makes mistakes and that most failures are only temporary setbacks.
- Think about those you admire most. Even your greatest heroes had to make mistakes to get where they are today.
- As licensed clinical psychologist Julia Yacoob says, “I look at acknowledgement of mistakes as a real strength, like a real sign of character.” She explains that admitting mistakes is a sign of respect and is often well received.^{[3]
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  Julia Yacoob, PhD
  Clinical Psychologist
  
  Expert Interview. 15 July 2021.}

2

Accept that mistakes are a part of life.

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Mistakes are both unavoidable and useful. Your brain has powerful split-second tools to protect you, and these tools learn from your errors.^{[4]
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Research source} Shift your focus away from feelings of failure and disappointment and toward a more rational approach that helps you learn the right lesson. By untangling what actually happened and what you could have done differently, you turn a mistake into a setup for success.
- For example, say you forgot to feed your fish. Rather than getting upset with yourself, acknowledge what you did wrong and recognize what you can do differently next time. Maybe you set a reminder on your phone so you don’t forget again.

3

Recognize what you are doing right.

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Give yourself credit instead of beating yourself up. While acknowledging mistakes is valuable, too much focus on the negatives can make you “shut down” and avoid thinking about what happened, and this isn’t productive. Remind yourself that while you may have made a mistake, there are also tons of things you’re doing right.^{[5]
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Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices

Go to source} Try these activities to put things in perspective:
- Make a list of your successes and everything you’ve overcome.
- Write down qualities about yourself that you value.
- If you have regrets about a complicated situation, identify the actions you took that improved or stopped it from getting worse, even if they didn’t fully succeed.

4

Fight perfectionism with self-empathy.

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People with perfectionism or depression often hyper-focus on mistakes. If you struggle to praise yourself or see your value, make being kind to yourself a top priority. Overcoming these struggles doesn't mean you will never criticize yourself again; it means shaping that internal critic into something more realistic, kinder, and less central to your sense of self.^{[6]
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Research source} A healthy frame of mind makes it much easier to improve yourself.
- If praising yourself is difficult, try talking to yourself like you're talking to your best friend.^{[7]
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- Reword the thoughts of your “inner critic” as a different person talking to you: turn “I always screw up” into “You always screw up.”^{[8]
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- Keep treating your inner critic as a different person and argue with them. Come up with counterexamples to prove them wrong.^{[9]
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5

Give yourself tools to avoid repeating mistakes.

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Set yourself up for success in concrete ways. You can't just shout at yourself to do better and expect it to magically happen. Approach your difficulties with a realistic mindset and take steps in advance to stop old patterns from playing out again.^{[10]
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Trustworthy Source

Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices

Go to source} Here are some examples:
- If you regularly miss the due date of bills, make a large, visual reminder ahead of time.
- If you keep ignoring warning signs in your romantic life, ask your trusted friends to vet your dates and speak up if their alarm bells go off.

6

Identify behaviors that lead to mistakes.

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Examine your life for behavior patterns you'd like to work on. If you're caught in a loop making the same mistakes, it's probably because you have a blind spot in how you're viewing the world and behaving within it.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Jennifer Butler, MSW
Love & Empowerment Coach

Expert Interview. 31 July 2020.} Reflect on your unconscious habits and how they relate to your life to avoid making repetitive mistakes.^{[12]
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- Try to face the hidden motivations behind your behavior. Do you game for hours because you are avoiding the people in your household? Do you jump on and off diets because of low self-esteem? You may need to focus on the root cause before the surface-level behavior changes.
- Avoid taking on too much at once. Focus on a few issues you feel deserve the most attention, or even just one at a time.

7

Set realistic standards for your behavior.

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Realistic standards help you improve without hurting yourself. You can set high expectations for yourself, but don’t dream of making full-court shots before you ever pick up a basketball. Hold yourself to standards you can achieve without burning out or sacrificing other parts of your life.^{[13]
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Research source} This will give you more wins, which reinforce good habits and help you build better behaviors over time.
- For example, instead of the standard of “perfect communication,” recognize that it's still a win if you pull back and stop an argument instead of escalating it. It's another win if you have a calmer conversation later about what happened.
- Instead of the unrealistic goal to “just stop” procrastinating your homework, set a goal to at least do ten minutes the day it's assigned. Once you can do that consistently, try to do half of it in advance. Reward yourself for these milestones, and you'll be more likely to keep improving.

8

Learn to cope with behavioral triggers.

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Find out what triggers your behavior and adapt to it. What situations or events lead to the behaviors you're unhappy with? Your mistakes don't just appear out of nowhere. They may be encouraged by other people, stressful events, or little things like missing a meal. Identifying these patterns is the first step toward changing your response to them or preventing them from coming up in the first place.^{[14]
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Trustworthy Source

Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices

Go to source}
- If you can't identify the triggers, carry a journal (or phone writing app) with you and write down your daily experiences and moods. Reread old entries to look for patterns that might cause stress, such as irregular sleep or meals, and to remind yourself of things you did that got you back on track.^{[15]
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  University of Rochester Medical Center
  Leading academic medical center in the U.S. focused on clinical care and research
  
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- We all have stories that run in our subconscious that influence our behaviors, so examine your actions carefully. What are you doing? How might you inadvertently be creating these unfortunate situations for yourself?^{[16]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Jennifer Butler, MSW
  Love & Empowerment Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 31 July 2020.}

9

Replace old behaviors with new ones.

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Our brains love to resort back into familiar habits. This is why it’s difficult to break a habit. But even though it’s hard, it’s not impossible. Instead of trying to stop your mind from repetitive behaviors, redirect it to a new behavior:^{[17]
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- Make a plan for what you will do in response to each trigger. If a relative pushes your buttons, you could excuse yourself to the bathroom instead of fighting.
- Keep these plans simple. If stress makes you want to smoke, a breathing exercise is something you can try almost anywhere. Going for a jog anytime you're stressed is impractical.
- Write down this plan to cement it. This is about taking radical responsibility for your life so you can create a break in your habits.^{[18]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Jennifer Butler, MSW
  Love & Empowerment Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 31 July 2020.}

10

Find a partner in self-improvement.

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An accountability partner can help you stay motivated. Someone you can check in with for encouragement can help you stick to your goals once the initial motivation wears off. Choosing the right person makes all the difference, so put some thought into it. Look for these things in an accountability buddy:
- It's often best to choose an acquaintance or even a stranger (for instance, someone at the gym if you're trying to improve your fitness). Romantic partners or close friends can have trouble adapting to the new role.^{[19]
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- Partners should be non-judgemental and give positive reinforcement. Trust can grow over time, but start with someone who at least makes you feel comfortable.
- The more seriously you both take it, the more helpful it will be. Choose someone willing to commit to scheduled check-ins.

11

Pick yourself up after setbacks.

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Setbacks will happen; what matters is how you respond to them. Changing old habits, unpacking your trauma, and facing your relationship with failure is all valuable work, but it can also be difficult and draining on a bad day. It’s completely normal to feel confident and motivated at one moment and then fall into pessimism and regret the next. When you do make a mistake again, there are ways to get back on track:^{[20]
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- Seek support from the right people in the right environment—people who won't judge you and places that won't trigger more negative behaviors.
- Look back at how the setback happened. Maybe something unexpectedly triggered strong emotions in you—work out why and how you could avoid that next time.
- Think about how your coping strategies failed. Is there a way to make them easier or more accessible?
- Consider how you handled the setback during the worst of it. Is there a healthier and faster way to get through the dark times? Can you ask someone now if you can contact them for support next time so the idea will already be in your head?

12

Build resilience for long-term success.

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Breaking the cycle of mistakes doesn't happen overnight. For long-term success, surround yourself with people who see your best self and want to support it. Feelings of connection and belonging are some of the most powerful tools for overcoming the setbacks that try to drop you into old patterns.^{[21]
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American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists

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- In your social circle, spend time with people who are empathetic and understanding. Distance yourself from people who mock your feelings.
- Seek new communities with strong social bonds, such as a local organization with regular meetings.
- Volunteering for people in need will not only help you feel connected, but it can also give you a sense of purpose—another excellent source of self-worth.

Expert Q&A

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Question

How do you stop repeating mistakes?

Jennifer Butler, MSW
Life Coach
Jennifer Butler is a Love & Transformation Coach and the Owner of JennJoyCoaching, a life coaching business based in Miami, Florida, although Jennifer works with clients all over the world. Jennifer’s work centers around empowering women who are navigating any stage of the divorce or breakup process. She has over four years of life coaching experience. She is also the co-host of the Deep Chats Podcast along with Leah Morris and the host of season 2 “Divorce and Other Things You Can Handle” by Worthy. Her work has been featured in ESME, DivorceForce, and Divorced Girl Smiling. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from New York University. She is also a Certified Health Coach, a Communications & Life Mastery Specialist, and a Certified Conscious Uncoupling and Calling in “the One” coach.

Jennifer Butler, MSW

Life Coach

Expert Answer

Because we all have stories that run in our subconscious, we can create patterns and habits that we live into without even realizing it. Ask yourself how you may be creating situations in which you can repeat these mistakes, and how you can adjust those triggers so you're less likely to make the same mistakes as before.

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Tips

Be patient as you work towards your goals. Changing a habit can take anywhere from 15 to 254 days, depending on motivation, replacement behavior, and amount of repetition.^{[22]
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