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Fact: you can’t choose your family. Fact: we’re in a lockdown. Fact: for every action (yours) there is an equal and opposite overreaction (theirs). So hands up everyone who’s starting to feel trapped in a consanguineous minefield (and that a once cosy casa now needs to be navigated with repeated viewings of Orange Is The New Black).
Here’s my two bits on identifying and narrowing down the archetypes that make up a family, and helpful hints on how to navigate, negotiate and negate the fallout of an inevitable meltdown.
The newsmonger
Introduction: You’re likely to find this highly knowledgeable one (often a father or a husband) glued to the television and internet. In some cases, a PhD from WhatsApp university is a point of insufferable pride.
Habitat: The living room sofa or the dining table.
Behaviour: Loud Nostradamus-style proclamations of what will come to pass, freely given without restraint or verification to everyone unfortunate to be within earshot, including the family dog.
Survival skill: On approach, drop to the ground using any form of cover (furniture, plants, aforementioned dog) to avoid detection—including holding your breath and lowering your body temperature to cancel out your heat signature. If spotted and forced into a monologue, do not engage in verbal communication. Nod along with eyes glazed and hide your emergency saviour AirPods in your curls.
The no-boundaries
Introduction: Enthusiasm sees no gender bias, but watch out for the aunt or uncle whose boundaries range from fluid to invisible.
Habitat: Every conceivable social media platform.
Behaviour: Often masquerading as the overenthusiastic relative, they will want to be involved in scheduling every group activity: daily catch-ups on the many family groups (apart from the requisite good morning messages), weekly Zoom calls to discuss everything, and are solely in charge of getting every family member—in extreme cases, this could include your fourth cousin in Nicaragua—to play online tombola.
Survival skill: Mute all groups. If grunting intermittently on Zoom calls gets you called out, start a polarising topic of conversation (example: “Is Mahabharata more engaging than Ramayana?”) and smile serenely through the on-call cacophony.
The energiser bunny
Introduction: Most likely your little sister, who’s always been a firecracker and an attention hound. Don't leave out your annoying out-of-town cousin who’s camped in your home to ‘study’.
Habitat: Every room in the house, unfortunately.
Behaviour: Always in self-betterment mode, this person is also the one who made Dalgona coffee before it became a thing, has only uplifting Instagram stories to post every hour, has successfully aced every single TikTok challenge out there, and lost weight with their lockdown dance/ yoga/ HIIT and Bharatanatyam fusion workouts and is pestering you to get off your butt and join them.
Survival skill: This is a hard one, but ignore them. Extract every ounce of willpower, smile sweetly and shut the door, gently, on their overenthusiastic (and exhausting) energy. That, and turn your room into a bomb shelter so you never have to leave. You know they are out there.
The zen master
Introduction: They come in many forms (humans, plants and pets included).
Habitat: Every corner of the house.
Behaviour: The chillest creature on earth, they’ve got this lockdown situation handled. Never frazzled, and volatile only when pushed beyond the patience limits of the Dalai Lama, they’ve settled into this ‘new normal’ with enviable ease. They schedule their work from home easily, find time to meditate, and are happy doing chores that earlier made them baulk.
Survival skill: Do not punch them in the face, they’re likely to turn the other cheek, not to mention the rest of your family against you. Instead, take a leaf out of their turned-over-new-leaf by imbibing some of their chi: do four surya namaskars to their 40, and remind yourself that this too shall pass.
Also Read:
7 photographers capture family through their lens in the time of a pandemic
From Sara Ali Khan to Shilpa Shetty Kundra: Meet the most entertaining Bollywood families on TikTok
