What To Do When You Feel Like Giving Up On Love

Dating can be complex, and if you're dealing with an unhappy relationship or challenging dating life, you may feel like giving up on love. Challenges with your partner or unsatisfying dates can turn optimistic, positive prospects about potential partners into negatively charged sentiments and anxiety. Don't rush to give up on love; if you've had it with romantic relationships, there may be a few things left to try.

A brief overview of love

Love between humans is tough to understand. Still, scientists continue to study how love works in the human brain and society. Researchers have recently introduced a new model for understanding love, named the "quadruple framework." The quadruple framework breaks down love into four components: attraction, connection, trust, and respect.

Attraction

Attraction can be either material or non-material. Material attraction is an attraction to a person's body, while non-material attraction is an attraction to a person's personality. Both material and non-material attraction are necessary for love, but they don't mean the same for each person. Some individuals place significantly more weight on physical features. In contrast, others are more attracted to personality features like generosity and kindness.

Connection

Connection refers to a sense of oneness between partners based on intimate companionship. The connection between partners in a romantic relationship is typically based on good communication and positive shared experiences. In most romantic relationships, the quality of the partners' sex life also comes into consideration. As the frequency and quality of sex declines, so does the feeling of connectedness between partners.

Trust

Trust in a romantic relationship is rooted in good, healthy communication. A trustworthy relationship is one in which both partners feel the other will remain reliable and dependable. Trust reduces fear and anxiety about the relationship and promotes commitment, monogamy, and emotional vulnerability. Intimacy cannot exist without trust, and untrustworthy communication or behavior significantly hinders a close connection between partners.

Respect

Respect entails consideration of a partner's feelings, admiration of a partner, and holding a partner in high regard. In all relationships, romantic or otherwise, mutual respect is expected. Respect also drives forgiveness, empathy, and compassion.

Benefits of love

Before you give up on love, remember that there are some benefits to a romantic relationship. A healthy relationship offers mental and physical health benefits to both partners. Physical benefits include lower blood pressure, lower risk of substance use, and increased health-promoting behaviors. Mental benefits include lower anxiety, lower stress, and reduced risk of depression.

While the benefits of a relationship are profound, it is important to remember that the same benefits can be achieved without the need for romantic love. The health detriments observed in chronically single people are usually attributed to loneliness. However, loneliness can be combatted through close relationships with friends and family; romantic love isn't required. Some human interaction is needed, though. The health risks are highest when a person spends most of their time alone.

Applying the quadruple framework

The quadruple framework attempts to broadly define how love works in the average person. Most people require all four factors (attraction, connection, trust, and respect) to have a happy, healthy relationship. However, the quadruple framework is broad and designed to provide an overview of how love typically works. Each relationship is different, and every model designed to explain love needs to be interpreted in the context of an individual relationship.

For example, consider a person who identifies as asexual. This person feels little or no material attraction to their partner; they don't heavily consider physical attraction if they consider it at all. According to the quadruple framework, it may seem like this person is not in a happy, healthy relationship. However, although those who identify as asexual do not feel a physical attraction to their partner, they still feel non-material attraction, bringing their experience in line with the quadruple framework.

There is no right or wrong way to love someone, but a person can learn a lot about their romantic life by understanding the core features of love. If you're thinking of giving up on love, you may feel like you have no options left, but an understanding of how love works can reveal new directions and inspire hope for your romantic future.

What to do if you are giving up because of your dating life

Those who struggle to find dates are often given the sage advice to "just be confident." However, those needing more confidence may find that advice less than helpful. If you struggle with confidence, you may find your dating situation hopeless, but solutions exist. Confidence is a necessary component of relationships and dating and is one of the main traits partners look for. Improving confidence is often the first step to improving your dating life.

Confidence should be assessed regarding your whole social life before you focus on just your confidence with potential romantic partners. Perhaps the most effective confidence-building strategy is to form positive social relationships that are not romantic. A strong group of friends, or a supportive family, will likely increase confidence. Building a friend group or strengthening family bonds is generally easier than finding a romantic partner, so consider increasing your platonic relationships to improve your confidence before dating.

Confidence can also be improved by an honest appraisal of your accomplishments and achievements. Confidence requires self-pride; it is not arrogant to recognize your own accomplishments and acknowledge the challenges you overcame. It would help if you also considered doing new, interesting activities that take you out of your comfort zone. Trying something that makes you uncomfortable is a great way to build confidence, develop resiliency, and gain stories to share with friends, family, and dates.

What to do if you are giving up because your relationship is unhappy

If your current relationship makes you unhappy, the first thing to do is consider the possibility of abusive or controlling behavior from your partner. Most relationships become unhappy due to poor communication or mutual incompatibility, but if your partner hurts you physically, screams at you, makes threats, insults you, or tries to control you, don't worry about giving up on love. Exit the relationship as soon as possible and focus on healing before you date again.

If you or someone you know is experiencing dangerous or abusive behavior at the hands of their partner, the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help. Call 1-800-799-SAFE(7233) or text "START" to 88788. You can also seek assistance through the hotline's online chat.

If you're unhappy in your relationship and you're sure it's not abusive, it can still impact your mental and physical health. If your relationship feels like a burden, but you haven't yet broken up with your partner, the first thing to do is decide if you are ready to leave the relationship or want to improve it.

If hope is left for your relationship and you want to improve it before giving up, consider couples counseling. A couple's counselor works with you and your partner to figure out how to improve all four factors of the quadruple framework with respect to the individual, unique needs of your relationship. You can try structured strategies without a therapist's guidance, but counseling with the help of an experienced professional has a high chance of success.

If your relationship has run its course, you should leave the relationship as soon as you are able to do so. However, don't make the decision to give up on love before you leave the relationship. Wait until you are single, stable, and in a good mental position to evaluate your love life. Don't stay with your partner because you don't think you can find someone else either. Long-term unhappy relationships hurt your self-esteem and resiliency, significantly impacting your overall well-being.

Remember, if you are in a low-quality relationship, your impression of love may not be accurate. It may not feel like love is worth it because those in unhappy relationships aren't receiving the benefits of love. If you're in an unfulfilling relationship, give yourself plenty of time after leaving the relationship to decide if you want to give up on love. 

According to recent research, recovering from a breakup introduces changes in the brain akin to those observed during cocaine withdrawal. Recovery from a breakup can take months. Your perception of love may only be accurate once that process is complete.  

How can online therapy help?

Online therapy can allow you to process your past relationships and understand your feelings about love and dating. Whether you need help getting over a past relationship or dissecting your wants and needs, an online therapist can help you without the hassle of traveling to a physical office. A therapist can help you build self-esteem using the same evidence-based techniques traditional therapists use. The methods used by online therapists follow the same principles as those used by therapists who see clients in person and are just as effective when administered online.

Below are some reviews from people who have sought help through Regain.

“Dr. Burklow literally saved our relationship. I was honestly ready to call it quits. We joined Regain approximately two months before our wedding: that was six months ago. Needless to say we are now husband and wife. Since then, we learned tolerance and acceptance, not only of each other, but of ourselves. We began feeling and behaving like teammates as opposed to opponents. Though we looked forward to our weekly Tuesday night video sessions we knew couples therapy was not meant to be long term. In the short amount of time, Dr. Burklow provided us with the necessary tools to deal with conflict and ensuring a successful and healthy union. Thank you again Dr. Burklow!”

“My girlfriend and I have been working with Alison for about four months now and with her help and guidance we have strengthened our relationship ten fold. Her communication style is amazing and she really strives to make the best of our time with one another. If you’re looking for a counselor you can put your faith in with the whole experience, she’s the one to go to.”

Takeaway

Giving up on love is a big decision faced by many people. Don't be discouraged by a bad breakup or unhappy relationship; happy, healthy love is out there. Take time to improve your self-esteem, consider your needs in the relationship, and work on what matters most to you before deciding to give up for good. A licensed therapist can help you manage concerns related to confidence, social skills, or dating ability.