Dismissing a Partner's Changes as "Fake"

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“So how was it since we last met?” I ask Alex.

“Paulina has been touching me more,” he says, his face still.

“That’s great! No? Why aren’t you smiling?” “Because she’s only doing it because you suggested she do that. She didn’t do it because she wanted to do it,” he says, somewhat disappointed.

“You’re right. So what?” Paulina answered.

“And if she did it only because that’s what we decided, that doesn’t count?”

“No. It doesn’t.”

Paulina exhaled and stared down at the ground.

My job is to help couples change their current behavior and expand their repertoire.

How do we do it? Through hard work. Through doing new things; new things that may not be natural, comfortable, or familiar. Any deep change will, by definition, unbalance the relationship, increase anxiety, and create new situations that the couple may not be used it (read more about systemic change here).

So Alex was right. Paulina did not change her behavior because she suddenly had a burning desire to give him a hug. She cognitively decided to do it. It wasn’t natural or easy for her, because, if it had been natural for her, she would have done it already!

“There’s no growth in the comfort zone and no comfort in the growth zone.”

In our professional setting, we believe in “fake it till you make it.”

So why not in our personal relationships?

When you begin a 30-day yoga challenge, none of the yoga poses feel natural. You have to practice, and, slowly, you get used to the different poses. It’s not natural, but you don’t consider yourself a fake. You accept that this is a new and a different way of moving your body.

But in intimate relationships, partners don’t seem to extend that same courtesy. Like Alex, partners often hold a dichotomous, limiting. core belief (I call these binary axioms eithors, as in either/or) that their partner is either natural or fake. This dichotomy helps partners avoid more pain and disappointment by making sure their partner’s intents are pure. But the tax of this eithor is that it hurts the ability of the pair to go deeper into their relationship and experience more meaningful, vulnerable intimacy.

Avoiding intimacy through avoidance of personal work

This eithor is the go-to reason why partners refuse to work harder and try new things to better love their partners.

“I don’t like sharing about my day when I come home. It seems fake," Gilad says.

“I know you don’t like doing it. That’s why you haven’t done it in 12 years. But you came here in order for me to help you do something different. That means doing something new," I answer.

Here the eithor helps Gilad avoid stepping out of his comfort zone and moving towards change. This relational stance also puts the responsibility and possibility for growth on his partner. After all, if he can’t do anything new because it will be seen as fake, then his partner will be the one who has to do something different or change.

Avoiding intimacy through non-validation of your partner’s attempts

The same eithor works well to disqualify your partner’s honest attempts to change. Alex’s fake/real eithor served to belittle Paulina’s conscious efforts and keep her distant—which was his original complaint to begin with. Ironically, this eithor serves as a semiconscious defense mechanism, preventing feelings of vulnerability and possible dependency by keeping the relationship on a low flame.

Love is hard work

But the truth is that long-term intimate relationships are hard work. Real Love, contrary to falling in love, requires lots of personal work, consciously changing the way you think, talk, and behave. All these changes are, by definition, new and not natural.

Paulina chooses to touch Alex more not because she suddenly woke up dying to touch him, but because she made a choice to work on her marriage.

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Softening the eithor

If you want your relationship to grow, you will have to step out of what is known and comfortable. This requires softening the core belief that unnatural = fake and replacing it with unnatural = growth, experimentation, evolution. Unnatural means personal and relational work, awareness and courage to step beyond what is familiar. I detailed how to soften core beliefs here.

How to choose to believe your partner’s behavioral changes?

Just as with any new skill it will take some time. Here are some helpful tips.

1. Share this article with your partner. See whether and how this eithor is present in your relationship. Reflect on the gains and losses of this eithor in your relationship.
2. Each of you make a list of 20 small things your partner can do to make you happy. Exchange the list with your partner.
3. Just do it. Try to intentionally do one of the things on the list, even if it’s not natural.
4. Say the thing. As you are doing the task, name it to your partner, not as a passive-aggressive comment but as a way to show that you are working on your love. “I’m cleaning the kitchen now, Paulina, because I know that is something that makes you feel seen."
5. Name it to tame it. When your partner does attempt to do some of the tasks on your list, thank them, even if you initially suspect they are doing it only to make you happy: “Thank you for cleaning the kitchen, I know you don’t like doing it.”
6. Substitute fake with growth. When you notice that you are about to disqualify or belittle your partner’s behavioral changes, remind yourself that they are doing this because they want a better relationship with you.

So is it natural or fake?

The only answer to the question is, “Who cares?”

The important thing is that you are trying.

Where are you stepping out of your comfort zone?