What's the So What? Never Split The Difference by Chris Voss

Never Split The Difference - Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It by Chris Voss

What's the So What in 100 words

Films believe great negotiators are assertive and brilliant, bedazzling counterparts with the eloquence of their arguments. And academic ivory towers believe in the importance of BATNAs and ZOPAs, of rational notions of value as the driving forces of negotiating success. Neither gets real-world negotiation right. The best negotiators listen more than they speak, tuning in to the frequency of their counterparts. Calming them, establishing rapport, and gaining trust. Relying more on emotion than reason. They ask simple, open-ended questions. And use a playful, positive voice (except when they occasionally mimic the soothing tones of late-night DJs!). They mirror counterparts' comments and label their emotions. And overall, live the idea that negotiation is "the art of letting someone else have your way."

Why and when did I read Never Split The Difference?

In January 2020, I reflected on my 2010s and the new decade ahead. And realized my direct, strong-opinioned, default style was sometimes holding back my relationships and impact. Therefore I committed to figuring out what it would take to feel and act more "calm and kind," including getting counsel from several peers and mentors. One of them, Greg Arnold, a long-term engineering leader at LinkedIn, recommended this book as a master class in listening and building rapport. I'd heard of it but was put off because "Never Split the Difference" sounded (and still sounds) gimmicky. But as is usually the case, Greg was right, and I learned that most of the toolkit that works for an FBI hostage negotiator also applies pretty well in the corporate world. 

Ten So Whats that stuck with me

1. Decisions start with emotion first, adding in logic second, not the other way around. This idea will be familiar for Daniel Kahneman fans and his research showing System 1 thinking (fast, instinctive, driven by emotion) precedes System 2 thinking (slow, deliberate, driven by logic). Therefore while we often want to negotiate based upon facts and data, in reality, it's more important to influence others' hearts first, which then impacts their minds.

2. To influence others' emotions, practice tactical empathy, powered by listening. We all have an underlying, universal need to be understood and accepted. And the best way to make others feel understood and accepted is to listen deeply to them. Voss shares, "instead of doing any thinking at all in the early going about what you're going to say - make your sole and all-encompassing focus the other person and what they have to say."

3. Listening means genuinely listening, not thinking about our arguments as we listen. If we're not careful, both sides will be thinking about their own arguments not only when they're talking but also when they're listening. Everybody is listening to the voice in their head AND the other person, and suddenly it's as if there are four people in the conversation :)

4. Asking open-ended questions is the foundation of listening. These usually start with "what" and "how." Rarely "Who" or "When" because our counterparts can quickly answer these without much thinking. And rarely "Can" or "Is" or "Do" because, again, these only get back a short "Yes" or "No." Also rarely "Why" because while that prompts thinking, it often sounds accusatory. Useful "what" and "how" questions include "What is it that brought us into this situation?" and "What's the objective?" and "How can we solve this problem?"

5. For tone, be mainly positive & playful, with a sprinkle of late-night DJ vibes. Hollywood sometimes glorifies assertive negotiators, but this style can lead to counterparts pushing back because they feel as though they're being controlled. Instead, let's keep our tone light and encouraging as much as possible. Except when we're trying to calm ourselves and our counterpart down, then we can do our best late night DJ impersonation. [From a Gen X-er to Gen Z-ers, Disc Jockeys (DJs) guided what music was played on this cool technology we all listened to called radio ;)]. Think slow and soothing. Calm and composed. The goal is coming across as trustworthy without triggering defensiveness.

6. Channeling our best Nike vibes, let's "Just Mirror It"... Although we can mirror body language too, here we're exclusively mirroring words. For the FBI a "mirror" is when we repeat the last three words (or the critical one to three words) of what a counterpart said. Research showed that waiters who mirrored - repeating back customers' orders - received 70% higher tips than those who lavished praise and used positive reinforcement. Mirroring suggests similarity, and similarity brings both sides together.

7. ... And then "Just Label It." Meditators out there will recognize the value of labeling feelings to help diffuse their impact. The same applies with negotiating. If we can say "It sounds like you..." or "It seems that..." and then be quiet and listen, it's like asking an open-ended question because it coaxes our counterpart to think and react. One note that stuck with me was not saying "I'm hearing that..." because the "I" suggests we're more interested in ourselves than our counterparts. Just like there's no "I" in "Team," I guess there's no "I" in "Labeling" or "Negotiation" (hmm... you know what I'm trying to say!).

8. If in doubt, go slower versus faster. If we want others to feel heard and understood and to build trust, this takes time. Where sometimes, the rational problem-solving part is quick, but the emotional, bringing people along part takes much longer. If we take the time, our counterparts ideally will come to see our ideas as their ideas, memorably summed up in the idea that "negotiation is often called 'the art of letting someone else have your way'.”

9. Getting to No is an essential step on the path to Getting to Yes. Change is scary, so getting a "No" offers our counterparts the chance to maintain that status quo and feel in control. And it tees up the opportunity to follow-up by combining labeling and asking open-ended questions along the lines of an "It seems like there's something here that bothers you. What would you need to make it work?" In addition, if we get a quick "Yes," most likely it may not stick or we haven't pushed hard enough for what's possible.

10. Finally, being smart can often hurt our ability to negotiate. Defaulting to listening, asking open-ended (vs. leading) questions, mirroring, labeling, and more all sit on the top of a base of genuine curiosity. If we're too smart - or think we're too smart - we presume we already know the answer and don't have much left to discover. And we focus too much on being right vs getting in the right mindset to connect with our counterpart. It reminds me of "Getting to Yes" co-author Roger Fisher's quip about his days as a litigator, “I sometimes failed to persuade the court that I was right, but I never failed to persuade myself!”

Quotables

"[He] who has learned to disagree without being disagreeable has discovered the most valuable secret of negotiation." Washington Post Editor Robert Estabrook

"Negotiation is nothing more than communication with results."

"Most of the time you’ll have a wealth of information from the other person’s words, tone, and body language. We call that trinity “words, music, and dance.”

"Though the intensity may differ from person to person, you can be sure that everyone you meet is driven by two primal urges: the need to feel safe and secure, and the need to feel in control. If you satisfy those drives, you’re in the door."

"Prepare, prepare, prepare. When the pressure is on, you don’t rise to the occasion; you fall to your highest level of preparation."

"If this book accomplishes only one thing, I hope it gets you over that fear of conflict and encourages you to navigate it with empathy. If you’re going to be great at anything you’re going to have to ignore that little genie who’s telling you to give up, to just get along - as well as that other genie who’s telling you to lash out and yell."

So what do I think or do differently today?

1. I aspire to use as much (or more) energy when I listen as when I speak. I've historically been guilty of sometimes paying 70-80% attention while I wait to ramp back up to 100% when it's my time to jump in. More and more, I appreciate that the energy to figure out what somebody else is feeling is much greater than to figure out what I want to say. Where if I default to curiosity - occasionally in the shape of thinking to myself, "I'm curious how can you possibly think that's a good idea!" - that's usually half the battle.
2. I focus on emotions more and logic less. I naturally default to problem-solving, often carefully outlining the rational pros and cons of different options. Where if I've persuaded myself, surely everybody else will agree with my take as soon as I make my case? And surely if I then get frustrated that "you just don't get it" that'll bring you around to my position :) It's a long road ahead for me to remember that most decisions start with the gut or heart and then transmit up to the head vs. vice-versa.
3. I increasingly wonder where "book smarts" are hindering vs helping. This book, You're Not Listening by Kate Murphy, and Think Again by Adam Grant all emphasize the downsides of traditional smarts: people listen less well because they "know" what others are going to say and are less likely to adapt opinions in the face of new data because they're overly confident in their initial hypotheses. Again, I see curiosity as the key antidote, blended with Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella's counsel that "the learn-it-all does better than the know-it-all" and the value of constantly learning and stretching (including reading a lot of books!).

Want to go deeper with the ideas from this book and others?

• To dig in further, I'd recommend the "Chris Voss Teacher the Art of Negotiation" Masterclass or his TED talk; especially given how important voice & tone are to negotiation, they're both nice supplements to the full book read.
• Coming soon WTSWs: Can't Hurt Me by David Goggins and Difficult Conversations by Douglas Sheen, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen are likely up next.
• Recent WTSWs: High Output Management by Andy Grove + The Making of a Manager by Julie Zhuo + Radical Candor by Kim Scott + Atomic Habits by James Clear + The Pyramid Principle by Barbara Minto + Think Again by Adam Grant + You're Not Listening by Kate Murphy.
• Finally, here is a complete list, with ratings, of 600+ books I’ve read. What'd I miss?