Demystifying and Overcoming Perceived Feelings of Deep Hurt.

If you think your heart has been leaking and bleeding because you perceive someone has hurt you, then it's time to look at the person in the mirror and start the process of owning those disowned and hurtful parts of you that scream for love.

Why?

Because you will continue to live your life feeling you are not in control of your actions, behaviours, choices, emotions, and states of being. Blaming and controlling other people for what you think inside makes you a disempowered, disengaged, and disorientated fake persona that negatively impacts your spiritual, mental, emotional, physical, relational, social, business/career financial wellbeing.   

My aim with this article is to share my thoughts on what are some factors that cause us to feel deep hurt, make us respond irrationally when our values are being challenged, and stop us from unfakeably influencing the world and growing into our fullest potential.

Before I share more on how to demystify the feelings of deep hurt and overcome them, here are some questions for you to ponder with...

What are some things you know for sure that prevent you from choosing love when feelings of hurt surface? How have you overcome your hurt and see the world through the lens of love? What is the number one factor that has impacted your life that you feel you have overcome? What has been the most challenging hurt to overcome in your personal, relational, familial, social, financial or business life? What does your deep hurt say about your greatest fear? Why do you think people who strive to reach their whole potential hurt you? What do you believe is your full potential? What are your most significant limitations in life? What's one thing that has happened in your life that you wish you had handled differently? Do you feel like your race or culture has influenced your deep hurt as you face life’s predicaments?

Now let’s continue. You are most likely reading my weekly newsletter because you want to heal, grow, and master your life. Learn how to manage your emotions better, increase your emotional intelligence, unapologetically and authentically influence the world as you grow into your fullest potential.

Over the years, I have assisted many people with various emotional challenges. I've realised that no matter what hurt you are currently facing, let’s start by acknowledging the following…

'You' are not your feelings.

"It's true. You may feel like you are hurting. You may even feel angry or jealous... but you're not your feelings. With time your feelings will change, but your love will not.

When you identify with your feelings, you make them stronger.

But feelings are not who you are. They are not permanent, static, or “you.” Feelings come and go like the weather. A thought in your mind causes a feeling. If you identify with that thought, then the feeling becomes stronger; if you don’t identify with it—if you don’t believe it to be true about you (as thoughts never are)—then the feeling weakens and dissipates into nothingness.

If you recognise that these feelings are simply passing sensations within your mind—and aren't connected to who you are as a person—you'll gain freedom from this cycle of misery. You can start to live in line with what's truly important to you: compassion, forgiveness, curiosity, acceptance of change...

It's not your fault that you feel the way you feel.

You can't control your feelings. You didn't choose to feel this way. But you do have a choice about what to do with these feelings and how to respond to them. Don't let yourself be ruled by other people's actions—but by consciously choosing your response to be acceptance and love, you are worth it! Don't believe that lie that you don't deserve better, and don't give in to self-pity or resentment because those make things worse. Instead, take time alone and focus on the present. Ask yourself if you're holding onto old hurts--recognise that they aren't serving you anymore, and work on transforming them into love!

It's OK that you didn't react the way you wanted during a fight with your partner or when someone did something you perceived as hurtful or told you something spiteful. Recognising what happened is an essential first step toward healing; now, all it takes is to practice knowing when those feelings start creeping back up again, so they don't catch you off guard like they did last time.

So many of my clients have benefited from my integrated coaching and mentoring as well as from learning how to use the TJS Evolutionary Method: ALARM®, The Unfakable Code Method®, and Behavioural Change Principles® (BCP®) to firstly get to the root of their emotional outbursts, responses, and feeling out of control. They use the methods or their sessions to dig deep, go on a self-reflective journey and own those disowned traits that cause feelings of anger, frustrations, hurt, resentment and stress to get the best of them.

Your feelings don't make up a static, permanent part of who you are.

How you feel is not necessarily who you are. That’s what I share in more detail in A Path to Wisdom, #Loneliness, and The Unfakeable Code® books. In my TEDx talk Technological Armageddon, I talk about how love is the only jewel in the crown of life. This is the time to shape how our world as we enter the era when Artificial Intelligence surpasses Human Intelligence. Imagine the kind of emotions you can experience when we can download the information of any brain we choose from a database of brains? If you think this is science fiction, think again. All you have to do is research the latest scientific advancements that Elon Musk and his team have accomplished.

We often think that our feelings make up a permanent part of our personality. We believe that anger is an intrinsic part of us if we're feeling angry about something. But it isn’t. Your feelings are temporary and can change from one moment to the next depending upon what you experience through your senses or learn from others.

Think about it this way: If someone hurt your feelings and made you angry today, would those same actions have made you angry yesterday? And would you be any less angry tomorrow? Probably not. So why then do you give more weight to how you feel in this moment than how you felt or will feel in some other moment? In that moment of hurt, remind yourself that you and this individual are worthy of love, no matter what they have done or not done.

The answer is that these fleeting moments matter – they're what life is made up of – so each can be lived fully (or as lovingly as possible).

If you try to bury or hide your feelings, they will have a more challenging time healing.

This is a good thing. It means you are getting to know your feelings, which will help you cope with them better in the future.

If you try to bury or hide your feelings, they will have a more challenging time healing; but if you can sit and acknowledge that what you feel is okay, even though it’s not ideal, you will heal more quickly.

In my opinion (and this is just my opinion), when your feelings overwhelm you, there is no benefit in calling yourself names or being unkind to yourself or others. Yes—it can seem helpful because beating yourself up or blaming others makes it easier to avoid the pain of heartbreak or hurt by distracting yourself from it. But I’ve found that the only way out of hurt and pain is through owning the traits you judge in others and accepting that you can choose how to respond to external stimuli; trying to take a shortcut will only prolong the process.

You can still feel terrible and accept that it's okay to feel terrible about it.

At the end of a storm, or at the beginning of one, you can look up and get an almost magical feeling that the sky is clearing up. You can feel the sun coming out. You think it's going to be a beautiful day. Then a rain cloud passes before you, and you're drenched once more. It's about allowing yourself to accept that this is how your feelings are just as fickle as the weather when you go through a painful experience.

Many of my clients who learned to understand this concept know that there will be times when they feel terrible and realise they don't need to do anything about it right now. They'll give themselves some time and space for their feelings to pass through them instead of acting on them too soon. They consciously choose how to respond mindfully, which takes a lifetime to master.

When you're feeling hurt deeply, it's not always easy to separate those feelings from your actions when you're acting from them.

For example, if you feel like a person is not listening to you, but the person says “I hear what you’re saying, I just need some time to think about it,” then your hurt might be perceived as rejection or fear. When someone has experienced deep hurt in their past and is still carrying wounds of a similar nature today, they may act out of this hurt because that pain feels more familiar than being loved and accepted.

It's important to acknowledge that you may be entitled to your feelings, but they don't give you the right to criticise, judge, and hurt others.

Don't blame others for your emotions, even if they might have caused them. It's not their responsibility to take care of you and how you respond. If an interaction clarifies that a person is not interested in how you feel or what you want, leave them alone and find someone willing to empathise with you.

When your feelings overwhelm you, there is no benefit in calling yourself names or being unkind to yourself or others. That only makes matters worse by compounding the hurt. Here are some actions you can take when deep feelings of hurt take over you

·      Stay calm and keep perspective.

·      Do not react emotionally.

·      Do not let the situation get the best of you.

·      Do not take things personally.

·      Do not blame yourself or others.

·      Do not allow your feelings to control you.

·      Do not take things too seriously.

·      Do not be too hard on yourself, particularly if you feel bad about how you reacted or responded to a particular situation that triggered the hurt in the first place.*

·      Remind yourself what is more important to you to judge or love.

Feelings are fickle and are subject to change like the weather. Allowing ourselves to accept this fact enables us to step back from the results of our actions, which can sometimes be harmful when we act on those feelings without first allowing some time and space for them to pass through us so their effects can be mitigated before we act on them.

You've just read about Demystifying Perceived Feelings of Deep Hurt. Now it's time to take the next step and get started knowing the deepest parts of you that control your choices, create repeated patterns of unwanted behaviours, fuel your failures and stop you from authentically influencing the world. It’s time to expand your awareness of what’s possible beyond your perceived hurt, grow your emotional intelligence, become an authentic individual, partner, friend, and leader and transform your entire life, including your business.

Get in touch with me today! As your coaching partner, it will be an honour to work on addressing the deep-rooted mental and emotional issues that cause you headaches, pain, and frustrations and get you the breakthroughs, the clarity, the tools, and the plan that begins to grow you, your relationship, your business and your employees. You'll learn practical ways and skills to help you turn your emotional states and unconscious behaviours into fuel for growth, meaning, and fulfilment.

There's no reason you can’t transform your hurt into love. The energy that grows you to your fullest potential builds a co-loving relationship, makes you an authentic leader, boosts your business productivity, opens more opportunities, and brings you better clients. Healing those deepest parts of you benefits not only you, your relationships, family, and friends but can also help you improve your organisation's well-being. I love sharing how to get the results and where you want to be by becoming more confident, sure, credible and capable of purposefully transforming in every area of your personal, professional and business life.

Love and Wisdom

Tony J. Selimi - Award-Winning Author, Speaker, and Transformational Live and Business Coach Specialising in Human Behaviour, Leadership Excellence, and Maximising Human Potential. Winner of the London SME Most Visionary Entrepreneur 2020 award, Corporate Coaching and Recruitment Business Coach of the Year 2021 Award, Silver Winner of Literary Book Award 2021, and Maincreast Media Book Award 2021 for A Path to Wisdom, #Loneliness, and The Unfakeable Code®.

PS –"Investing in healing from past hurt, judgments, and traumas allows you to attract what your heart desires."

This quote is dedicated to all the people who seek to free themselves from unresolved feelings that cause them deep hurt.

I work on a virtual basis and in-person with clients all over the globe, facilitating the realisation and accomplishment of personal, professional, and business goals. Here are four ways I can assist you in creating life-changing breakthroughs, growth, and accelerating your journey to excellent health, influence, transformational leadership and success.

#1… Book a Breakthrough Consultation Session by sending an email to info@tonyselimi.com.

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