Selfish or self-preserving?
“Listen. Every time you’re given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else. Your job, throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.”
— Glennon Doyle
____________________
Ooh! What do you think of this doozy of a snippet (taken from Tim Ferriss’ recent email),
That your duty is to “disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself”?
Honesty …
I have a friend who, if she had a superpower, would cause everyone around her to be truly honest.
She thinks most of humanity create so many problems for themselves and everyone around them because they simply don’t honestly ask for what they truly want.
(But that also requires you to know what’s truly important. If everything is, then nothing is.)
I think she might be right. Doesn’t make it easy, considering we often think we have to be a certain way for others, does it?
We’re so deeply trained from an early age that we can reach a point where we believe everyone else’s needs are more important than our own.
And where does that lead you?
Compromise.
But when is compromise an act of giving freely where you want to contribute to, and build, a relationship, and when is it a source of resentment, even misery, as you do for others but don’t do for yourself?
Selfish or self-preserving?
As Seth Godin put it, “If you’re drowning, you’re a lousy lifeguard”.
Doing what you need to do is critical. We exhaust ourselves running around trying to please everyone, and there’s nothing left for us. Yet as my Ascension teacher often tells us Ishayas, helping others is one of the best ways to help yourself.
With children, for example, you just have to do what needs to be done. But then what truly NEEDS to be done?
So many questions. There are no rules, are there?
It all depends!
Only you know, when you are mindful, in the situation you find yourself in.
But I do think a good guide is to try and avoid all “shoulds”.
That just seems to be wrapped up in a whole world of feeling one way and yet thinking you ought to do another way.
And that just tears us apart.
It seems that sometimes no is the greatest gift you can give — to someone else, and to you.
As the saying goes, “you can give someone a fish and feed them for a day, or you can teach them how to fish and feed them for a lifetime.”
Yet I’ve learnt that the practicals are one thing, disappointing my values is totally another.
Regardless of what others might think, I get to live with my conscience 24/7. Disappointing that is a very tough thing to live with.
So it’s a great question then:
How can I get clear on what I truly want and need?
How can I be more honest with others in these things, even if it disappoints?
And from there, how can I help my loved ones get what they want and need?
Meditate on that!
As always, go well.
Arjuna
PS.
Ascension meditation and mindfulness course … 7–9 July (starts 7pm Friday) here in Richmond, North Yorkshire.
Come along!
Or, if you’re wondering if it’s for you, why don’t we chat about it, what you want from life, and whether the two combine?
I’d be happy to help.
Just hit reply and let me know what you’re looking for.
Talk soon!
