I wanted you to walk through that door more than anything else in the world.
You to walk through that door so that I could jump onto your neck & hug the shit out of you.
But you didn’t come, yet again.
You and your thousands of miles.
You and your distance.
Have beaten me once again.
“i think things barely ever get better and/or change with such words or good wishes from people around us. because i realised i have been actually expecting that they would change with some magical words someone might say to me. but the truth is that it doesn’t happen. i think so far i have been left unsatisfied with almost all the talks i had with people about my struggles.
then this monday i had an appointment with the psychiatry nurse i have been seeing. i told him how i am again walking on a very thin line and i am 🤏🏻 this close to falling again. then he asked me the same question he kept asking me from the very first appointment: "did you talk to someone about this?” and i gave the same answer i kept giving him from the very first appointment: “i couldn’t..” then i described to him how i meant to reach out, but i felt awfully pathetic and very fucked up, hence my unwillingness to bother people with my recurrent bad moods and rough patches. at those moments i really want to reach out to someone, then really fail to bring myself to do it. then i feel in limbo and it is goddamn painful at those times.
then i can’t remember what i was telling him but he said sth: “you can’t really do anything, you will fall. those rough patches will come. you can’t do anything to prevent it, it will come and you will feel bad and even horrible. but you can change your rxns to it. … what you are missing is talking to someone at those times. they don’t need to find you solutions, and i know that you are not looking for solutions from them. you just want someone to be there. you don’t want to do it, because you feel sorry for yourself and you feel pathetic and unloveable, but those aren’t true. you can talk to such friends when you are feeling okay and ask if it is okay to lean on them in such times, tell them they don’t really need to actively do sth other than being there and by your side when you’re going through a tough time.” then it really hit me. i just need someone to just be there, to know i am not okay at that moment but not to panic but just to walk with me as it is happening. and when people tell me they love me, say nice things about me to lift my mood or make me feel better about myself or my life, it really does not change whatever shitty thing i’m going through. but what i am seeking for is the existence of that person, knowing that they will stick with me, that they love me for who i am even with my fucked up mind and distorted self-image, knowing that they also want me to be&feel better.
hence the things i told you last night. it is important for me that you know i am here for you to lean on & i am fully okay with that. that is the least i can do for you, but i have to admit that is the real work that needs to be done. that is the important part. that you know and understand you have a branch to hold onto
you should also understand that these things will keep happening in life, they will make you miserable for a given amount of time. sometimes it lasts long. but then you need to see that you can bear through it once you feel more understood, seen, un-judged and cared about"
- September 15, 2021
// text to a friend in need
ben ne bileyim ki? bilsem anlardım ama. sen de görürdün. ben ne diyorum ya? allak bullak ettin iyice içimi. görenler ‘sana noluyor kızım?’ diyor, duyanlar hâlime acıyor. neremden tutsan elinde kalıyorum. resmen paramparçayım. aslında hep paramparçaydım. senelerce didik didik edildikten sonra geldim karşına. azıcık birleşir, birazcık toparlanır gibi olmuştum. ama beni daha yakından tanısan anlardın, nerede bende o şans? anca bir avuca toplanıp, daha bile her taraflara fırlatılır, dağıtılıp saçılırım. sonra hep bir sonraki gelen kişi daha bile büyük debelenir. sonra da uğraşamaz, çeker gider. ya da siktirip gider mi desem. sen de siktirip gideceksin değil mi? hayat bana böyle çok güzel bir şeyin fragmanını gösterip, sonra avcumu yalatacak değil mi? o diğer insanlardan duyduğum göz parlatan, nefes yutturan, kalp pırpır ettiren aşk hikayeleri benim olmayacak, değil mi? ben hep başkalarına özendiğimle kalıp, hep yarım bırakılıp, asla tamamlanamayacağım değil mi?
bunca sevgi ve şefkat dolu olmanın bir lanet olacağını, başıma en büyük bela olacağını bilmezdim. canım çok yanıyor. tarif edilemez bir acı. okyanuslarca bir boşluk, tonlarca bir ağırlık. yalnız mutsuz şarkıların anlayabileceği bir yaralı ruh.
i hate that i was mistreated. i hate that i didn’t walk away from it when i realised the first red flag. i hate that i didn’t walk away after the following hundreds of them. i hate that he didn’t treat me better. i hate that he didn’t love me enough at first. i hate that he didn’t show me he loved me after finally getting to love me. i hate that i kept turning the other cheek every time i got a hit. i hate that i was trying so hard to prove him i am loveable. i hate that he didn’t already see that. i hate that he didn’t respect me. i hate that the didn’t understand me. i hate that he didn’t even try in the first half of the relationship. i hate that it was already too late when he finally started trying. i hate that i was so desperate for his love & affection at the cost of my self-respect. i hate that he didn’t show me enough affection until he killed every bit of excitement in me. i hate that i lost all my self-respect because of nothing. i hate that he humiliated me several times in front of other people. i hate that all i could do at those moments was to pretend that it didn’t hurt like hell. i hate that all it did was hurt like hell. i hate that it hurt like hell. i hate that all i did for him was hardly ever appreciated. i hate that he was barely ever interested in how my day went. i hate that he would get bored & stop listening when i was telling him about something. i hate that he sacrificed so little. i hate that he “joked” about cheating. i hate that he was passive aggressive and would just shut himself off. i hate that he made me cry so many times. i hate that he would not understand what that meant. i hate that he didn’t care that i cried. i hate that he didn’t know me well enough although i was an open book. i hate that i missed so many opportunities to live my life & be young just so that he wouldn’t get jealous. i hate that he was so jealous to limit my life. i hate that i always felt so cornered. i hate that i couldn’t find the courage to leave for a long time. i hate that it was always too difficult to say good bye to him. i hate that after some point, it just got easier and easier to say good bye to him. i hate that i realised that, but had to live with it within myself. and i hate that even though these are all the things that prove the breakup right, i am still struggling. i hate that all that could have become amazing memories turned into things that just seem like a waste of time, love & energy.
“En kötüsü de” dedi, “her seferinde incinmemiş gibi davranmak zorunda kalmak.”
kucuksun, anlamiyorsun.. cok sevmiyorsun da kendini. deger de kulak da vermiyorsun icindeki bagiran cigliklara. seni hatalara surukluyor. geri donmuyor, her tarafinin kanadigina emin olana kadar izin veriyorsun suruklemesine. bir noktada guc bulup ayaga kalkmayi umut ediyorsun. yedigin tokatlardan tukenmis artik sabrin. kucuklugune saydiriyorsun ama seni dinlemiyorla duymuyor arasi bir seyler. bazi seyleri kucaklamak alasiya zor oluyor, onlari kucaklamanin zor oldugunu kucaklayip once, sonra tum hatalarini kabullenmeye calisiyorsun. zaman geri donmuyor ama. donmeyisine kahroluyorsun. bir de o yasta hic olmuyorsun. “bunu soyle yapsaydim”lari kontrol edemiyorsun. keske daha cok sevseydin seni.
onlara ‘acımı anlamıyorsunuz’ demistim. bu cok bencilceydi. yani dısımdan söylemedim pek tabii sessizce icimden ve sadece kendi kendime. oysaki biliyordum onlar da benzer sekilde kanıyordu. bence sanki o travmayı aynı sekillerde yasadık. ben biraz daha inadına bakmıstım ama. kendimi mi kanatmak istemistim yoksa sadece gördüklerime inanamayıp gerceklik algısını yakalama pesinde mi paralamıstım kendimi o gün. 10 ay olmasına 16 gün kala ben hâla iyi değilim. sakinim, ama hâla cok’um. acının azalacağını söylemislerdi bunun tam olarak o olduğundan emin değilim ama sakinlestiğim kesin. zorla sakinlestirildiğim. minik kalpler hic acımamalıydı. o kocaman kalbine herkesi sığdırdı da, kendine yetemedi. belki bu yüzden oldu. herkesi ve her seyi o kadar sevdi ki, yer kalamadı kendisine. simit bile oradaydı ve kac cesit peynir. sasırmayı cok önce bırakmıstık ama bizim yanımızda portakal duruyordu öylesine kalbinde. en büyük bizlerdik heralde, ama bunu asla bilemem. iste bu kadar kanayıp durmamın sebebi de bu belki de. bilemiyorum ne kadar sevebildim onu. bilemiyorum ne hissettirdim. o mutluluktu, o özlemekti, o görüp de sarılmaktı. ne mesafeler ötedeyken giysilerinde bulduğun izleri “temizlemeye” kıyamamaktı. o hicbir seyine kıyamamaktı. onunla birlikte hissetmekti fiziksel acılarını. durup durup öpmekti, güzel sözler fısıldamaktı apartmanın kapısı acıkken ve tabii kapı acık olduğu icin fısıldıyor olmaktı. yoksa kalbinin icinde avaz avaz bağırmaktı. hep cok derin sefkatti o. güvenmekti zarar vermeyeceğine. güveninin asla bosa cıkmamasıydı. tüm güzelliklere değmesiydi. koskocaman bir güzellik olmasıydı hayatımda. bir kardesi sevmek gibiydi. bir kardese sahip olmak gibi.
“’ve learned a lot this year. I learned that things don’t always turn out the way you planned, or the way you think they should. And I’ve learned that there are things that go wrong that don’t always get fixed or get put back together the way they were before. I’ve learned that some broken things stay broken, and I’ve learned that you can get through bad times and keep looking for better ones, as long as you have people who love you.”
benim bir kişiliğim yok. ben şeffafım. bana önden bakarsın, ben bir camım sadece, arkamı görürsün. bir özelliğim de yok, dümdüz ve pürüzsüzüm. renksizim. aklında da kalmayacağım. tanımaya neden uğraşasın ki? gereksizim ben gereksiz, ve önemsiz konuştuğumuz her şey. en iyisi hiç muhattap olma sen.
