You're Not My Boyfriend - Yet: Dating Vs. Going Steady

There was an important distinction made in health class a few years ago--there is a difference between "dating" and "going steady." Dating is going out and getting to know people, while going steady is an exclusive arrangement made verbally to only date each other.

This was revolutionary to me! In my experience, the moment you started talking to someone, you were committed; the adjective, "committed," to some extent in your own interest, but the verb "committed" as in, you "commit" someone to an institution. In the most silent way - or an intangible one through the content of texts, number of them, degree of temperature in your in person encounters - you were slowly sinking - into infatuation or feeling stalked. Either way, you were deepening the waters with someone, making getting back to shore difficult.

In my definition of dating, I must make one thing clear. Hanging out with and getting to know people over text and in person builds a social and emotional connection. But, it’s the physical aspect that I don’t include in this dating advocacy. Holding hands is taking the association between two people from friends to romance; kissing is a sure fire method of transportation between the two destinations. Beyond these are intimate activities that bring people to a new level and to play with that deep of emotion attached to someone’s physical expressions isn’t fair.

The struggle I find is how do we implement this definition? Today, it seems so organic to begin texting someone, hang out with them, and it's an almost unspoken path into being boyfriend and girlfriend - and if you do find yourself not interested in that person, you're already breaking up (or dealing with similar repercussions) or if you end up being interested in someone else, you're cheating or were never faithful to begin with.

And have you ever noticed how difficult it is to get out of something once it's started? Even getting someone you thought you liked, but don't (or never did in the first place) to stop texting you is like getting your hand out of glue; it can't be escaped by pulling away once, is extraordinarily messy and there's that frightening moment when you think you'll never get away.

The even greater difficulty I find in trying to live this definition is trying to do it as a girl. If we go out with more than one guy, it looks slutty both ways. For a guy, he goes out with more than one girl and to the said population, he looks like a jerk - but to his gender counterparts, he's the man! With grins and extravagant handshakes, he's the best kind of player.

Dating is non-exclusive social activity. What other place can we go out and see what we like and don’t? Must it be a string of micro-serial-monogamy? Or, can it be a contest—the common interest, personality matching, and chemistry rounds—with all of them lining up before our heart?

It seems like adults can do this; Cosmopolitan magazine and romantic comedies have shown us it easily exists! Dating “this” guy and then “that” guy…But the theory hasn’t been put into practice in the young adult market. Can it?

They say morals are eroded, generation after generation – yet, it seems our generation can’t keep from judging multiple interest. For this to occur within committed relationships, I’m thankful we see the infidelity! But, when we see a girl go to Chipotle one afternoon with a guy and then another guy at Starbucks later, and finally seeing her Friday night at the movie theatre with someone else, what color is our judgment?

All these different potential guys and just her? It’s all too easy to look at this girl and think she’s slutty; she may not be physical with them, but “the fact she talks to that many guys…” (especially if we’re assuming that from dipping the filter of “hanging out” into her social pool she gained them, how many more guys is she talking to?).

And what are the guys’ views of this? Despite the scientific and pop culture references that men like more partners than women, I believe guys go into these dating scenarios expecting to be the only one to her. Are they fine all standing up equally to be hers? Do they know about each other? What will happen to them and her if they find out—and others do, too?

If only we all lived by the same definitions!

Do we experiment with our reputations and juggle more than one guy? Verbally address our level of commitment on the first date? Can we find someone our age willing to be 25 and just “casually date?”

Today, do we really get more than one choice in getting to know someone? It seems at some level we’re all expecting commitment; if you text me, you’re into me; if you hang out with me, you’re investing time; if you do any of these things with me, it’s adding up. Then, if you’re interest doesn’t up being there and you want to back out, you’re backing out of your investment—with social and emotional penalties. If “dating” is non-exclusive, are we actually getting to do it? How can we, though, if we can’t get out to something we haven’t committed to?

But, why don’t I get a choice?

There’s so much pressure to get it right on the first try; to talk to the guy and have him be it. Because, if he’s not, we now have to find an escape route that doesn’t make us look “loose,” rude, or any other awful ambiguity. Why can’t we be young and have fun as we “shop?” Why are we only allowed to reach our hand out once for what we want?

We are committed to no one but ourselves until we verbally agree to someone else; we owe them nothing but our honest will. The only thing we owe others is respect—for their emotions once we know it’s not there for us and keeping a strict physical boundary until monogamy; maybe just max it out at “hugs” until you know who your #1 is. For “going steady” in becoming boyfriend and girlfriend, that verbal commitment must be there; that way no one can say they didn’t know later; it’s consenting to this union and acknowledging your capacity that you knowingly and willingly went into this.

For “dating,” while the association is still friendly, bringing up the subject of relationships and dating gives an opportunity to say, “I’m single, but really enjoying going out and getting to meet new people!” To fight that already skewed idea of “dating,” mentioning the physical boundary could help illuminate our true intentions. Ultimately, the true definition of “dating” needs more press; that we may experience every possibility instead of the social reprimanding for finding our journey into love. 

What are your ideas of implementing the true definition of dating? How can we casually do this?